04 June, 2010

So, guess what blog?  I move on Saturday.  How weird is that?
I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, or when my life is put into context (as in, there are like 55 billion zillion other people out there and you are pretty insignificant - that kind of context) this move is not a big deal nor should I be all wound up about it. For the record, I'm not really wound up at all.  I haven't cried or moped or been grouchy, as far as I know.  I've laughed ridiculously at things that aren't really very funny, which is a definite symptom of stress and/or exhaustion, but other than that I feel fine.  I'm exceedingly sorry to leave people, and I know I will  cry over it at some point.  But that point has yet to come.
Yes, I have a heart of stone.
But, gosh, for me moving is a big deal.  I've moved six or seven times in California, but never out of state.  And, man, we're going to Arkansas.  Of all places! Arkansas!  Not, like, Oregon or Ohio (which, who nows why, seem more reasonable destinations) - but ARKANSAS.

And, another strange thing: I have no reason, except the fun of being with my family, to think moving and living there will be in any way enjoyable.  I have no friends waiting for me out there (whereas my mum, dad, and sister have best friends), unpleasant college prospects and life in a teensy apartment to look forward to.  It's a step in the wrong direction from a trying-to-get-into-the-work-I'd-like perspective.  Besides staying with my family (who, by the way - though I know it isn't hip to admit -I love very much), I have no reason to go.
I'm sorry I'm so whiny, blog. But I'm trying not to think about this stuff, and I want to talk about it even less. This is an outlet, I suppose.

Ugh, drama, drama, drama, Kelsey. It's really the end of the world, your life, and happy existence as you know it.
Kelsey, you think Arkansas is beautiful.  You love the trees and the ponds and the complete absence of billboards shouting "San Diego's Loosest Slots!"  You love the manners.  You love that your parents will be able to retire before they're 100 years old.  You appreciate what financial freedom really means.  You love your family. Heck, Kelsey, I've often heard you say that the friends you're moving to are basically your second family.  I've also heard your idling dreams - afternoons spent reading by lakes and walking through woods - all of which were set in Arkansas in your head.  I've heard you moan over California traffic and wish you were in Little Rock where rush hour consists of five cars.  I've heard you mutter sadly about quality of life in the soul-destroying suburbs of SD.  I know you think "the great mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation" every time you drive through certain parts of El Cajon, and that's not a happy thing, Kelsey.
You will be sad to leave your friends, but you're going to good, Kelsey.  Good life.  And why should everything be easy for you?  If you want something, you have to fight for it.  Prove yourself, Kelsey.  You feel inferior, but you probably have more fighting spirit than you know, kid.
Loose the gloomy outlook. There's a great, big, beautiful tomorrow coming. Be kind, be brave, and have a little trust, kid. That's all I have to say.

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