Employment History

1.  Childcare worker at my church
I got that job when I was 15 and a half.  I learned that, if I ever had children - which I wouldn't - they would never even know Dora the Explorer existed.

2. Gift-basket assembler
This seasonal job mainly consisted of very precisely taping boxes of crackers against each other.  I was introduced - thanks to damaged boxes that couldn't be used in the gift baskets - to the wonders of chocolate-covered caramel corn.  C.C. Winkle, baby.  Look it up.

3. Precinct walker
I had this job for, if I remember rightly, two weeks.  It involved going door to door and talking to people about a local proposition that I couldn't even vote for, as I lived in a different district.  I quit after realizing I was making less than three dollars an hour. I spent all my money at California Pizza Kitchen, and ate the entire pizza myself.

4. Cookie store
A remarkably stressful job, considering I peddled baked goods that had the word "hogs" written on them.

5. Anthropologie
I was technically employed for 2 days.  I realized I would never possess the drive to look cute every day and chickened out.

6. Hobby Lobby
A peculiar big-box retail store.  I bought a black santa that is clothed in cheetah prints instead of the typical red garb, a statue of an enormously fat pig with an American flag draped over its back, and a vase that looks like it's made out of cabbage leaves, and other such wonderful things at disgustingly cheap prices.  That's probably the best thing I can say about it.

7. Music Dept.
For a summer I worked as a front-desk person at my school's music department.  Meaning I played facebook at my school's music department.

8. Art assitantship
Perhaps the most varied job I've ever had - one day I take spray paint labels onto cabinets in the illustration classroom, the next I am scanning my teacher's family pictures.  People had some spectacular glasses in the fifties.

9. Bottled water label designer
I started this week.  So far, so good.  I design and print personalized labels for water bottles for things like banks and baby showers.  You wouldn't think personalized water bottles would be a thing, but apparently they are.  It's a fun job, really.  I get to be creative and make my own hours and I can eat snacks at my desk. You wouldn't believe how nice it is to get to eat when you're hungry while working.  And I get a comfy chair.  And more than minimum wage.  I could get used to this.

When I am old I'd like to be able to constantly surprise my children by suddenly chiming in in a conversation with, "No, when you're in a circus it isn't like that." Or, "When I was assistant to the princess of Sweden I tried escargot."

I'm beginning to think that, as far as jobs go, I could end up nearly anywhere.  Though, as my mother once told me, "I think you can do anything.  Except be a jockey."

(I'm 5'10)